I’m starting to feel it. That stupid ache.
I miss your touch and the ghost of your presence eats me.
I miss being around you.
I watch stupid love movies and it hurts.
You should have just killed me.
I refuse to feel sad and feel alone,
I shut it down the moment It threatens to leave my skin
but all I want is for you to run the palm of your hands on my shoulders
to my arms then to my hand.
I hate you so much I want to slap you.
I want to stab you.
I want to burn you alive.
I want to kiss you
and hold you
and tell me crippled lies and that it was all a nightmare.
You should have killed me.
I don’t know I felt like I had to just write it down and make my thoughts clearer. I should have took journalism or something. heh. journalism that was your course, well your previous course. I was trying to find pictures of us in facebook or in my computer or just about anywhere but then I remembered the only pictures we had together was in my tab and my tab was upgraded and I lost all my photographs so. Yeah, no pics for this post. Its 2:40 A.M now, and we just had the phone call. You tried to call me around 10 but I only checked my phone around 1 so i texted you sorry and stuff. You called back immediately at 1 A.M, what was odd of you because you never call or text beyond 12 so I knew something was up. I was worried you know, I thought the earthquake had hurt you and you’re lying in a hospital room somewhere, so when I heard your voice I was reassured and mentally kicked myself for being so overreacting. Then you told that you made a mistake, that it was an accident, I thought it was something I should be mad about so I readied myself for what was about to come, I wasn’t.
“I fell in love with someone, but it was on accident”..
I was speechless. I had so much to say but I couldn’t so I just asked you “what now?” I mean sure I’ve always known this day would come but I didn’t expect it to turn out like this. I mean, how does someone fall inlove by accident, and then you told me your feelings just developed. who does that.
I love him but I like you too.
That’s not possible
maybe it’s possible in the gay world
no, you have to choose
but I like you both
You don’t like it but you have too.
I was getting pissed off but I knew you liked him and that .. I just couldn’t get myself to be angry at you, the fact that you fell in love with him just leaves me devastated, just because I want you to be fucking happy and just… I understand that it’s not me anymore, that .. just.. I love you. I was going to call you tomorrow and tell you I miss you. That 10 days from now is yet another monthsary. I doubted us a lot of times and even attempted on breaking up with you but for some reason or lack of reason, I just didn’t. I chose to fool myself into believing that maybe it gets better for us. But..
I really want to end this with a happy note, that it was a good run and it was worth it while it lasted. but I can’t. cause it’s not. I can’t even force myself to write the things that I hate about you, How it was always me in the relationship but I know it’s not true. Even though I made all the effort, It was all for you.. You were jay my honey. that was enough.
So the past few weeks has been … a lot. That’s basically it, it has been a lot. Beyond the typical struggles of a college student , there’s the rocky relationships and life events and I think I just let them be, let everything build up and go out of proportions until this day, I’m turning 18 and I guess It’s about time I "grow up". I don’t understand why there’s an unreasonable ache in me. I’ts like I’m mourning, I know I’m just thinking things too much and It may not even matter, but I’m turning 18. wow. The child is dead. Dead and gone, I hope he’ll be remembered.
Its getting late. I’m trying my hardest to collect my thoughts and compose myself but fuck, by now, I have pressed the backspace button about 20 times already, taking back everything I have said that I didn’t mean or didn’t want. I wish life has a backspace, I wish I had a backspace. There comes a time in life that you find that special person, that person who you’re willing to give up anything to. I didn’t fully realize what it meant until now. when they say give up, they don’t just mean physical, sentimental or emotional.. it encompasses everything within you and your power, you give up even your experience and your knowledge for that person if you can. That’s what I’m doing right now, I know and understand where you’re coming from, I know I made my mistakes and above all else I know for a fact that there is a loophole and I can still win this argument, but I won’t. That’s just it, stupid fucking love. This is hard for me you know, I’m training to be a goddamn lawyer. I’ve dedicated my life into proving I am right. I know I can win, I know can be safe but I don’t fucking want to because its you.. If I win, it won’t be worth it because its you. If I somehow turned the tables and come on top, I still lose, because its you.. that’s why I wont. because I love you, and I’m sorry.